"I knew this would happen and this is the only way to solve it" or maybe he was instantly convicted but was so frightened about how things would turn out that he felt he had no choice (even though that logic absolutely never pans out). Maybe he felt both and maybe he felt so much instant love for his unborn child while simultaneously hating his impulses.
Maybe he felt the darkest emptiness he had ever felt.
Actually, I'm sure he did.
I have wondered how David could make his sin work in his mind but the only reason I wonder is because I haven't been confronted with that exact situation. In my daily sin life, It makes perfect sense to talk my way into all of the sin I indulge and it always ends the same. Often I hear myself think, "You are intelligent, Rachel. This is sin."
And yet still, off I go.
I'm also somewhat amused by how the story moves forward. When Nathan comes to David and shares an illustration with him (clearly knowing what David has done-booyah!) David is filled with rage (2 Samuel 12:5). I think the first time I read this story I was annoyed by David and his apparent hypocrisy, but the older I get, the more I identify and laugh. I do this all the time!
I get irritated with people who share in the same sin I do. I judge them. I pull apart their humanity in my own heart. Yet, I sinned in the same vein, that very afternoon!
It's so blatant that it makes me feel foolish.
It's almost as stupid as knowing I'm staring sin in the face and STILL DOING IT. RIDICULOUS!
How weak can a human be?!
However, the difference between David and I, on many occasions, is that David didn't wallow. He didn't hang his hat on his sin or revisit it over and over and OVER again. He repented and was filled with the joy of the Lord (much of it, I'm sure, because he WAS forgiven). He didn't waste time whipping his own back and thinking about the mistakes he has made, which is a game I like to play with myself.
"You really screwed that up, Rachel."
"Look at those people you wronged, Rachel."
"Things will never be the same because of your attitude."
"HOW COULD YOU!"
It can go on and on and become a quicksand.
David pleaded to the Lord (after thanking him) to give him joy and restoration (Psalm 51:1). He wasn't focusing on the slight comfort he might be afforded by going over and over the situation (you know you've found momentary comfort in the "replay" button, on your brain). He handed it over to the Lord and moved ON.
He thought of others he could share his story with (Psalm 51: 13), which I find the most intriguing part of Psalm 51. We tend to keep our sin hidden and are afraid to share it and with good reason. The church and Christians (on a whole, not all) aren't known for their extreme sensitivity when you bring up drug addiction, adulterous relationships, pornography hang ups, alcoholism, depression or chronic self hatred. Not to mention the "secondary sins" like gossip, worry, overeating and hatred. Our culture has rated sins in order of "the worst" and who would want to get vulnerable?
We keep quiet and because we shed no light, we aide fellow brothers and sinners in their daily sin.
We must share! We must relate and we must encourage fellow believers to turn from their luke warm and scorching-hot sin.
David lusted, indulged in sexual sin and then ordered a man to be murdered.
And yet, the Lord delighted in him. In his heart.
Because unlike people....Christ looks inside. To whether we feel the pain He feels, when we sin.
We each have hope.
Take a look at David, be filled and turn away from what is staring you in the face.