There are days that I struggle with who God made me.
I guess that statement could sound really depressing, self-absorbed, infantile or a combination of all three but I choose to look at it as a test in obedience. If I look at it any other way, I could become a much darker person.
There are days when I don't really like who I am or what I am. Not because of where I am, but because of the lies that I accept. Does that make sense?
When those feelings begin to seep into my fiber, I recognize that it is only because Satan knows that He can win that battle with my mind, that it is happening. He knows exactly how to attack me and that is by making me feel irrelevant and like I do not have a purpose in life. (Still some of you are saying, "This is really silly that she would feel that way. How very immature.")
I partially blame the days we are living in, for this surge of feelings that can come over me. We live in a time where we derive importance by what we "do", rather than who the Lord has made us. I think we can all get it so backwards and that is myself included. Oh how backwards I am, at times.
Out of one side of my mouth I claim success for my stage in life and then lay my head down at night and wonder if I am doing enough. (See how that word "enough" creeps in? It's of the devil, I tell you!)
It's a wonder my brain doesn't split in two from the ultimate confusion that it confronts.
When I feel my own skin begin to shake and the small voice begin to whisper to me that I am anything less than Gods child, I go straight to the throne and ask the Lord for obedience. For I know that living in this world will always be a test of going Gods way for my life or trekking out on my own course, hell-bent on finding my value, apart from Him.
I can choose to walk one way and search until I die, or I can choose to run into the arms of my Father.
Only when I move in His direction do I find purpose, certainty, confidence and a deep feeling that I do, indeed matter and have value.
It's sad that the Lord makes us so perfectly and we wage war on our own person, constantly tearing ourselves down and feeling insignificant but I believe that it happens in the heart of every man and it always will be. It's part of the human condition and I believe an internal argument we are meant to have-in order to eventually draw us so close to the Lord...so close that our questioning only points us (and others) to Him and Him alone.
We will strive for the wind until we die and the sooner I begin to recognize it, the sooner I will find freedom in who the Lord has made me. Who He created me to be.
What He created me to do.
This one thing I know. For certain.