the bitter root of jealousy.


"For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice."
James 3:16


****

 I have hesitated writing this post, in the past, because I believe I was afraid to admit that I have dealt with this sin.  In my younger years, I {full of foolishness} dubbed jealousy as a immature sin {you know, because all of the other sins are so mature}.  I made myself think that it was not something I struggled with.  Often, I didn't. 

Jealousy has never been a habitual problem I have.  In fact, I generally am content in plenty or want.  I feel joyful with how the Lord made me {warts and all} and haven't struggled routinely with the consumption of bitter jealousy.

Until recently.

I became jealous of something and it ate at me.  It eats at me.
And I'm going to be bold when I say....it makes me hate myself for being so weak.

I hate that I'm jealous of this.  I haaaaate it.

Which is ironic because jealousy breeds hate if it goes unnoticed or is unresolved.
At first this gnawing feeling came over me and I shrugged it off as immaturity and the fact that I am still young.  I assumed that it was normal and that I needed to simply think on the beauty all around me and the many, MANY blessings in my life and all would be well.

I didn't realize that Satan is so much bigger and smarter then me and I had already allowed him to plant seeds of resentment and anger in my heart, towards this situation, for some time.  So, when small things would arise, I would become like a angry lion and my heart would fill with anger. That all started with jealousy.

Maybe this seems extreme to you and It is. Which is why I'm flushing it out.
Even still, I feel like we all have such intense feelings in our hearts that we ignore. They turn into the blackest of black sins and it takes a humble heart to scrub away the hardened impurities.


My jealously annoys me because when I think about it, I am so puzzled as to WHY we, as Christians, get jealous in the first place.  WHY AM I FEELING THIS WAY?  What is the root?  I want these answers and the more I think about it, the more I am frustrated and feel weak and like a complete failure.
I feel like a failure because jealousy makes me feel ungrateful and I despise being ungrateful.  I despise the attitude of ungratefulness.

I have thought so much about my jealously and my anger and realized that it is because I am not in communion with God, daily.  And isn't this the birthplace of most sin?  It is, for me.
How can I expect to walk holy when I am not walking WITH the Holy One?  It's simple but I had to go on a treasure hunt to find the answer.  I'm even embarassed about that!

It took me about 45 minutes of washing dishes and folding laundry to have that moment of, "Oh wait.  I see why jealously is eating my insides.  I haven't talked to God in 9 days."  
I've listened to gospel music.  I've talked about God to other people.  I've even sat down to read a devotion or two but it wasn't face to face time with the Lord. Laying out my sin.  Asking for forgiveness.  Repentance. Thankfulness. Nothing like that.
All the fluffy, feel-good, devotion to your email inbox stuff that I do when I don't want to make time for the Lord.


And it all comes rushing to the surface and I begin crying huge tears because I'm like a small child who was fooled again by soul crushing sin.  I feel horrible for not realizing the evidence of my apathetic walk with Christ.  It's sickening to me that I allowed jealousy and anger and bitterness to cement their stamp on my heart for so long.
Honestly guys, I am so saddened by this and want to run and hide from my arrogance.  My selfishness.  My disregard for where the Lord has put me.
It's almost so much of a burden on my heart that I want to have everything taken from me because I don't deserve it {hows that for guilt?} but I know the Lord doesn't work like that.  That's a human sinners approach to resolution, isn't it?

And it hits me again.  I struggle with this and with so many other sins because God makes us strong in some areas and completely weak in others.
So we run to him.

I run to Him.

I need Him so badly because I am so messed us and full of wrong that the only way I can be filled with right is by finding Him each day and dipping deep into that water and pulling up buckets full.  I want to immerse myself in that flow so there is no way my sin can penetrate the barrier.

And I know that can't happen because I am fallen, so I'll keep filling up buckets of that pure water and hurling them at the red flame, in my belly.  Taming it to just a small ember....and maybe one day, when the Lord has done His work in me...the ember will die.

And I will be whole, without sin and walking with the Holy One.


18 comments:

  1. this spoke straight to my heart. i've realized only since doing CR that jealousy is one of my character defects and one that is hardest to let go of.

    thank you for your honesty and for your heart. i love you girl.
    xo,
    andrea

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are speaking straight to the depths of the angry sobs of my soul. Thank you and may God bless you and your redemptive journey! <3

      Delete
    2. thank you for this reminder fellow CR sister :)

      Delete
    3. Right there with you, sister friend. Love you so much, A.
      And grateful we are on the journey together....<3

      Delete
  2. Well, holy moly. This WAS an intense post!!! And you TOTALLY deserve the blueberries, whipped cream, and chocolate...I'm guessing that the writing of your story was redemptive, even on its own and that the journey you're on is getting you closer back to Him.

    XO!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Absolutely-it was therapeutic just releasing it into cyberspace!

      Delete
  3. for me, utter disgust and frustration comes from being able to meet with Him and still going out and doing what i do.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I struggle with this wretched sin so much. Thank you for sharing your heart. Again you bless me! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think everyone deals with it to some degree, right?
      Walking with you!

      Delete
  5. There is nothing that makes me more angry at myself or embarrassed than when I am luke warm. I'm so grateful the Lord is more forgiving and gracious to me than I am to myself. Thanks for your honesty.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Without His mercy, I'd be in a world of hurt, that is for sure...And you're welcome, friend.
      If it can encourage one person!

      Delete
  6. This was a blog post I could have written, and maybe I should have, but I'm not there yet. Thank you for sharing this, but I'm sorry it's something you've been struggling with. You know what's the worst though? When they person/people we are jealous of are the ones we are closest to. Miserable. And embarrassing on so many levels.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm so thankful for your honesty. It's refreshing to read a blog straight from the heart. Thanking God that his mercies are new each morning. And thanking Him for speaking through you on this blog. xo

    ReplyDelete
  8. What a blessing! Your honesty is so sweet and refreshing. I needed to hear this today, to get my "face time' with God again, and now I am going. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete