your place, in the race.

via

When I ran my first 5K, I was thrilled to be there, happy with my training and proud of myself. I had worked HARD, the months leading up to that race.  I stood in line, with all of those giddy, crazy people.  As it turned out, I was coming off of a full seven days battling the stomach flu and I was just glad to be upright.  Early in the morning, eager to go. Psyched. 

As I began running, I paced next to a woman who I was sure, would boost my self esteem.  She had a good 20 pounds on me so naturally I assumed she would eventually fall behind.  Well, she didn't.
She actually ended up passing me and finished a good minute or so ahead of yours truly. At several points in the race, rather than focus on my running, my breathing or my progress, I watched her run, farther and farther from me, until she seemed so small. I would catch up with her and then she would somehow take off.  She was so far ahead of me and I was so behind.  So very behind.  My concentration was entirely wasted on her development, thoughts of my slow pace and disappointment that I wasn't winning {whatever winning was, in my mind, at the time}.

I ran that race at my PR and ended my 5K with a pace of 31 minutes {for me, that was great!} but all I could think about was her. That overweight woman that was faster, better and more well trained.  She "beat" me.

Almost three years later, I still struggle with my concentration being on something it shouldn't.

The past few years have proved a time to let go of things I thought I was good at.  Saying goodbye to things that I could very well have continued and maybe even flourished at. Loosening my grasp on the control I thought I had over situations, events and people.  It turns out saying goodbye might very well have been the easiest part-it's watching the "thing" or others run forward, while I'm left behind.  It's watching relationships or circumstances unfold in a way I didn't foresee or hope for.  It's expectations not being met or events being completely different than I had anticipated. It's the structure of life being tilted in a way I never saw coming.

But it's not all bad! Most of it has been great, in actuality.

Many of the things have changed have been really wonderful but since my concentration has been placed on what "isn't" or on what "could have been", I miss the revealing of good.  I was wasting all of the new territory with lingering hopes for the past and what I thought they "should be" like. 

That could sound petty or childish but if I'm honest, I'm a bit of each and even though I'm nearing 32, I believe that I still have so many tendencies that I need to recognize. I need to throw water on those internal fires. But I can become so inured with all of those people, places, things in front of me.

It's hard to say no, say goodbye, make life choices, decide on things and feel like you are caught in quicksand, while everyone else is on one of those moving belts, propelling them forward, at lightning speed.  It's hard to be in a place you know is right and good and watch Satan attack you by causing you to look back and self doubt {or look "forward"}. I still do it, dang it. 

But I'm getting better.
 I'm right where I am supposed to be and right where He has me....in this race.
And so are you.  Wherever you are.  Whoever you are.
I'm talking to you.

10 comments:

  1. You've really modeled obedience in a way that I've needed over the last couple of years. You COULD be doing a number of BIG THINGS and flourishing at them, but you've chosen to be a better wife and mother and spent time on the relationships in your life in a very profound way. I love you all the more for that than your successes!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow-thank you, JJ.
      It's hard but I'm really starting to see the small reasons, in the everyday, why the Lord had me step away from things.
      Hard, but good.

      Thank you for understanding me.

      Delete
  2. well you are for sure talking to me. My post this morning was in a similar vein. working on being okay with where I am NOW and what I am longing for and if that longing is even realistic or practical. seeing my contemporaries succeed at things that I feel maybe I might be able to succeed at and not really knowing how to get to that point.....it's all so much to take in!
    BUT - I have learned(over the past year really) that where I am is where I'm supposed to be.
    You are where you're supposed to be. Nurturing your family, your friendships and your dreams. It's all in His timing and I imagine He is smiling when He sees you on your path.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's right Amber-be happy with where you are NOW. God has you there, right there, for a reason. And praise Him for it!

      Delete
  3. This is a beautiful post.
    I want you to know how much you inspire me, and make me grateful for the way you put my thoughts into words.
    I get you and these posts make you feel like you get me.
    Keep up the good work, my friend.
    Or rather, let the Father keep doing His good work in you.
    Love from,
    Greta

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, my friend.
      We get each other.
      Bosom friends.

      Delete
  4. Beautiful!

    I've been there. I've been trying to let go of expectations for certain family relationships that are not what I want for them to be and it's SO hard. Like a death in a way I recently realized.

    Been there and you're 32 and so smart! Leaps and bounds ahead of where I was at that age. I'm 40 (and a half!) and still learning..slowly but surely!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm in that same place. Letting go of expectations in relationships is especially difficult for me.....

      Walking with you.

      Delete