peace and silence.
As does every American, I have heaviness in my heart and deep residing, in my soul. And just when I think I am going to have a profound thought, it dissipates and becomes primal feelings of sadness and remorse.
At the same time, I also experience feelings of true blessing and joy, as I think on my life and this specific time. I feel light and happiness and hope for the many days to come. I feel gratefulness for certain people that are kind and true and real and share love with myself....people that love me and care for our small tribe.
As I try to sort through both the recent events that have occurred in our country and also the anticipation of the upcoming Christmas rejoicing, I'm realizing that I can't do it as normal. The status quo simply won't suffice. Years past have been easier to process as Christmas seemed smooth and weight-free. I feel it might have been because I wasn't allowing myself to truly think about the magnitude of the Christmas day. Nor was I allowing myself to mourn for those that hate the holiday. Don't care about the holiday. Pretend it doesn't matter. Reject it. Ignore it's real meaning, in trade for some cheap imitation. And then this week. Feeling I need to be silent in order to grasp the pain of the families effected. Silence to really feel my own sadness or the sadness of others-which I can easily glance over and ignore by moving on to the next picture, post or email. I can't read posts about recipes and the new home remodel or latest outfit trend. I can't even put together thoughts on the deepest of subjects-ideas about parenting or emotional dysfuntion or the joy of lifes transitions.
Everything that appears inside my mind, from the outside, seems like too much. It all seems immense and trivial, at the same time.
I just can't.
I need to turn it all off.
I need peace and silence and that means I need to stop talking and stop trying to push through feelings and put them into words or explanations. I just need to sit and be silent and close my mouth and let my heart and mind do the talking. To itself. To my Savior.
I want this season to be a season filled with peace and silence. No. I need it to be.
More now so, then ever.
I need to be still in the pain and sadness and also in the joy and happiness.
Less of my talktalktalk and more of Him speaking to me. More of the hurt gushing out. More of the real feelings, not the fabricated feelings I can put on a screen, in so many ways,shapes,forms. I want real and real takes time and it takes long pauses and moments spent with people, not just quick texts and five minutes conversations but genuine time spent. I need that and I need people that need that. I need that with the Lord. Now.
This Christmas I want to find peace and silence and I hope it for you, as well.
I'm learning that my silence teaches much more than my speaking ever will.
All of my love to each of you as you experience the next few weeks.
My heart looks forward to sharing with you, come the New Year.
But for now, silence. And peace.
So, quietly I say...Merry Christmas, friends.