In the garden.

Gardening has become less of a "have to" and more of a hobby, in the last 6 months.

(do you like the chalk?  That's what the kids do, while I plant!)

The girls and I are outside most of the day and I have become so intrigued and interested in gardening, learning about plants and how they grow and what small things I can do, to make our gardens a place of tranquility.  Sometimes it's a little hard to not wish that I had an unlimited budget, so that I could do all that I would love to do....

I really would love to have a fountain in the backyard.  Think rustic, Tuscan-style, 3-tiered fountain.
I think that an outdoor shower with a lovely pebble mix, stone floor would be so wonderful, sat next to a ground level jacuzzi.  Surrounded by lush greens and trellis'. My concrete walls would be completely covered with fig (working on it!) and have vertical gardens, attached and full of succulents, air plants and herbs, for quick retrieval.
Outdoor lighting, strung through an amazing line of mature evergreens.....

Ahhhh..!  Doesn't it all sound amazing?  I can dream, right? 

Alas, we gutted these yards upon move in, less then 2 years ago, so we were starting from scratch.  Things we planted were young and babies, so it will be years before everything is grown in the way we would like, but we are willing to wait (not that we have a huge choice... ;)) We are looking towards the end product and learning along the way!  The sprinkler system at our home doesn't work and we have a large sized lot, so watering takes at least an hour a day.  At least!  It's quite a process. 

However, I have found that gardening is therapeutic and wonderful for the soul.
Nothing is quite as relaxing as taking care of beautiful plants and flowers and watching them mature!

Plus, it's so fascinating to learn!  I'm truly loving all of the things I am taking in and consuming, by way of gardening books, websites and from hands on learning. 

So, that's all.
I'm sure, as you are reading this, I'm out back.  Covered in water, dirt spray and sporting some sun-burned shoulders.  But happy as can be.

{Tell me what your favorite plant is! }

Priceless Polaroid.

THIS story grabbed my heart, for so many reasons.

First off, I love that this boy was visiting garage sales with his grandma.  Few children are entertained with the idea of spending a Saturday, shuffling amongst junk and few have time, seeing as most children are riddled with extra curricular activities, each weekend.

Secondly, I think it's so sweet that he wanted to buy the camera.  I wonder what he thought he might photograph with it.  Or maybe if he secretly has aspirations of becoming a photographer?

Lastly....I began to cry when I thought about how that mother must feel, when she saw the photo.  Did her heart pound and her throat begin to ache?  Did she have tears rolling down her face?

God is in the details and this story just reinforces it. 
You can see his hand all the way through it.

Be heart-warmed.

Reconsidering the Jacaranda tree

source

Small disclaimer:

If you and I have had a discussion regarding Jacarandas, in the past few months, please don't assume this post is directed at you, individually.  This post was encouraged by years and years of sensing a general dislike for the jacaranda from many, many people. Don't fret!

I don't think I can recall someone (besides my mother) ever having a kind word to say about the Jacaranda tree. We have a large Jacaranda tree on one side of the street.  When we moved in, we gutted the entire front and backyard, left the huge purple tree and then planted two more.  You should hear the caution we received from people. Who knew people had such vitriolic hate for a tree?  Of course people will compliment it's remarkable hue, when in bloom, but only after groaning about the sticky leaves and sappy leftovers, for a few minutes.  Sometimes I wonder if people complain about it and after doing so, they realize what they sounded like so they return to it's beauty as somewhat of an aside that erases the preceding comments.

Or maybe people genuinely don't care.

Or maybe they really just hate the Jacaranda (which really is ok!)

But I have a new thought.

The Jacaranda tree makes a pretty accurate analogy for the journey of life.

Think on the tree.

When it is in full bloom, it is so beautiful!  I drive down the streets of Long Beach, twice a year and I'm overwhelmed with the almost-neon purple buds.  It's simply breathtaking.  When driving down a street that is lined with the Jacaranda, you can't help but look up and notice.  Even the ground, where the buds fall, makes a bright and exciting landscape.  

And yet, everyone is always complaining about the inconvenience that it causes.

Most people HATE the Jacaranda.

They completely dismiss it (and I believe would be totally ok, if the tree never existed, or only resided in a park where they could enjoy it from afar).

And why?

Because it takes a few minutes to clean up.

Because it's messy.

Because it can be inconvenient.

We miss the beauty because we are wholly focused on the negative parts of the situation.

We want so badly to become pregnant but then we complain, complain because of morning sickness and sleepless nights and then we buy a house and complain, complain because we have to do the work to prepare it for move in.  Our kids don't sleep and need us to hold them and we complain complain because we aren't getting sleep and we need money to pay a bill and get upset we can't spend the money we surprisingly obtained, on something more exciting.  We have lovely friends but complain complain that they aren't meeting our needs and we have been gifted time on earth but we are bound with complaints about how much easier life is for someone else.  We freely worship but complain about the church and we have so many things and are so bundled in the negative.

We totally miss the blessing because we are spending that time focused on what we don't like.

I venture a guess that if you ever meet a person who loves a Jacaranda tree, they are moving just simply and peacefully enough to enjoy the beautiful things and to be patient with the little messes along the way.

After all, if there was no mess, the beautiful wouldn't look as bright.

Photo Journaling {Memorial Day 2012}

I will enjoy. Enjoy and remember.

Yesterday my husband and I lounged in our backyard and spent a few hours gardening.  We listened to our children laugh and splash in a tiny, pink pool. We went to church. We drove to Chipotle and bought dinner for ourselves and my mother in law. We sat on our porch and watched Sean hang our American flag, with pride. We talked into the wee hours of the night about homeschooling and fell asleep, soundly.

This morning we got up early and he made pancakes.  The girls ran around the house playing with bouncy beach balls as I set up our Memorial Day feasting table.  My husband and his friend just left on a leisurely run and I am about ready to put my youngest down for a morning nap.

Tonight we will be surrounded by wonderful friends and family. Those that we do most everything with and we will laugh, talk and eat until the sun goes down and the kids start rubbing their eyes. We will pile sleepy babies in the car and we will safely return to warm sheets and soft pillows.

Each of these moments ordinary and each of them extraordinary.

We have enjoyed and will enjoy each moment.

And for all of this enjoyment and daily frivolity, I owe a deep respect and gratitude to the families of those who have sacrificed their lives SO I can enjoy.

I will enjoy.  And I will remember.

the cost for silence (thoughts on Memorial Day and our nation).

On this Memorial Day weekend, 2012, I am thinking about the many who have given their lives for the freedoms that I enjoy and the freedoms that my children will enjoy.  I think about what they thought they were fighting for. I think about the deep respect I have for them.  I think about my respect for the soldiers of the past and the present.
and I begin to think about the America that once existed but is slowly fading.

It's interesting that I could make that same comment, just several years ago and people would think it sounded somewhat dramatic.  I have never backed down from the argument that society is crumbling in front of us and we are watching it but it was a little more difficult to be the whistle blower a few years ago.  Everything was a little more bright and cheery and people were expecting change even though it was so masked and yet so very obvious.

Now, I make those claims and people quietly nod their head in agreement because It's becoming crystal clear that our country is moving in a direction that is headed for impending implosion.
Dramatic, Yes.
Realistic, I think so.

And it's our fault.

Silence is the new cool. Tolerance is the new pink and people who stand up with an opinion supported by conscience or conviction are labeled as the righteous right.  The conservative crackpots.  We are all about fire and brimstone and never full of grace.  Crazy Christians.  Ridiculously un-informed Tea-Party voters (even though most people who ridicule the Tea Party movement have no idea what their tenants are.  Read about what they stand for HERE. And for the cynic, even Jon Stewart liked it!).
If you speak out against the pro-choice movement you are instantly a non-progressive, anti-woman lunatic (am I the only one that is still in a state of amazement that abortion is legal?  Am I the only one that marvels when someone tries to explain to me why they think Roe V. Wade should still stand?)


I resent these labels because I am not just the sum of my political beliefs but a woman that holds closely what our nation stood on and what it was grounded in. I am full of grace because I need grace for my own coverings of sin. I've made mistakes, obviously. I need love and understanding as much as the next man or woman, But we have taken the idea of the freedom and we are slowly distorting it so much so we are each able to stand on whatever personal freedoms we deem necessary and right and by doing that, we are stretching the definition of freedom to meet the personal (and selfish) desires of everyone.  By doing this, freedom is slowly evaporating and we are becoming a nation that looks much different than it once did.


WHEN?
HOW?

We got here because of silence and we got here because people are scared to speak up.

Fortunately, I think this is changing.
But it has to change with each of us. Each conversation with our children, with our friends and in our community.

I watched this video that my friend sent me, who is Catholic.  Although I am not Catholic, I adopt this video completely.




THIS article is a brilliant read and extremely timely (thanks RVS!), given the very popular movement of "What you're doing is wrong, but I love you anyways so let's not talk about it."

***

While this post may seem laced with negetivity, I spent the last 3 years being relatively quiet about my political views, assuming that a blog or in emails isn't the place for it.

I've since realized that is exactly what is putting our nation in it's current state of disarray, in a sense.
Silence.

So, no more.
I will speak out, up and against what I know in my heart is wrong.

I hope you will speak what's in your heart to.

****

(As with all blog posts, but especially those dealing with sensitive subjects, comments are welcome and encouraged but any slanderous or attack comments will be immediately deleted.)

one thing I know, for certain.

-Elisabeth Elliot

***

There are days that I struggle with who God made me.

I guess that statement could sound really depressing, self-absorbed, infantile or a combination of all three but I choose to look at it as a test in obedience.  If I look at it any other way, I could become a much darker person.
There are days when I don't really like who I am or what I am.  Not because of where I am, but because of the lies that I accept.  Does that make sense?

When those feelings begin to seep into my fiber, I recognize that it is only because Satan knows that He can win that battle with my mind, that it is happening.  He knows exactly how to attack me and that is by making me feel irrelevant and like I do not have a purpose in life. (Still some of you are saying, "This is really silly that she would feel that way. How very immature.")

I partially blame the days we are living in, for this surge of feelings that can come over me.  We live in a time where we derive importance by what we "do", rather than who the Lord has made us.  I think we can all get it so backwards and that is myself included.  Oh how backwards I am, at times.
Out of one side of my mouth I claim success for my stage in life and then lay my head down at night and wonder if I am doing enough. (See how that word "enough" creeps in?  It's of the devil, I tell you!)
It's a wonder my brain doesn't split in two from the ultimate confusion that it confronts.

When I feel my own skin begin to shake and the small voice begin to whisper to me that I am anything less than Gods child, I go straight to the throne and ask the Lord for obedience.  For I know that living in this world will always be a test of going Gods way for my life or trekking out on my own course, hell-bent on finding my value, apart from Him.

I can choose to walk one way and search until I die, or I can choose to run into the arms of my Father.

Only when I move in His direction do I find purpose, certainty, confidence and a deep feeling that I do, indeed matter and have value.

It's sad that the Lord makes us so perfectly and we wage war on our own person, constantly tearing ourselves down and feeling insignificant but I believe that it happens in the heart of every man and it always will be. It's part of the human condition and I believe an internal argument we are meant to have-in order to eventually draw us so close to the Lord...so close that our questioning only points us (and others) to Him and Him alone.

We will strive for the wind until we die and the sooner I begin to recognize it, the sooner I will find freedom in who the Lord has made me.  Who He created me to be.
What He created me to do.

This one thing I know. For certain.

on a porch and in a booth.

 source

Every year, on Mothers Day, my friend Mary hand delivers a card.

A good, old fashioned, Hallmark card.

It started about 7 years ago, when we were both trying to get pregnant and both coming up short.  We would send "Happy Un-Mothers Day" texts and cards. Then, when I had a miscarriage right before Mothers Day, the following year.  Mary had a miscarriage one month after I did, which means she was pregnant on Mothers Day.
But she still thought of me and brought me a beautiful card, reminding me of the child I did have.  In heaven.

And so it continues, each year.
A hand delivered card and a sweet, simple thought.

This year I was sick on Mothers Day and I got off the couch and there the card was.  On the porch with a text on my phone...
"Check the porch, friend."

I ran to the door, picked up the card and thought, "Of course she didn't forget".
She never forgets.

It made me remember, once again, that kindred hearts are one of the most beautiful things.


I was also reminded a month ago, sitting with my three closest girlfriends, in a burgundy leather booth.  I sat and shared my soul and I did the ugly cry IN a restaurant, while we were enjoying a meat and cheese plate. Just the same as I was reminded on the front porch, I was reminded in the booth of a overpriced eatery, that girlfriends can be a backbone that the Lord delivers amidst an ocean of uncertainty that we call "life".
 They sat there, listened and I cried.  And then it was the next persons turn to cry.  And the next. And the next.

That's always the way it is. We take turns leaning on one another and take turns being leaned on. We take turns needing help setting up for showers and open houses.  We take turns at each others kids birthday parties, cleaning up the trash.  We take turns babysitting the youngsters and we take turns sticking up for one another.  We take turns affirming and we take turns telling the truth.  We take turns congratulating and take turns on our knees praying for the other persons ailment.

If it's not our turn today, it will be tomorrow.
What an honor.

Woman of the Lord, who love you and care for you, are treasures.  Simple, sweet treasures.
Beautiful, wonderful, strengthening pillars that the Lord has given us.  To build us up, make us better and grow us as woman and people.  Mothers and wives.

There is no work involved because it is never work, but simple living along with them.  Side by side and so very easily.

Sometimes quietly.
Sometimes loudly.
Never maliciously or within self interest.
Always loving.
Always upwardly directing.
Always present.
Always there.
Always.

(So thank you, Mary.  I count on that card each year. More than you know.)

I've been dreaming.

source  source  source source source

When you're sick for over a week you lay in bed and dream.  I do, at least.

And I believe that I (and you) have dreams for some mysterious reason and you should let them seep into your soul and mind and heart.

Who knows if they will cement into reality and perhaps they never will.  But what if they do?  What if somehow God decides to take that small seed of mystery and love and turn it into your world and what if He lays something in your lap that is just so wonderfully charming?

So, I let my mind wander and slowly I creep into the smalls and corners of my mind.

I go to places that sometimes I regard as impossible.

Nevermore will I think these dreams are untouchable!

I dream each day.

And do you know how I KNOW that dreams come true?

One day, when I sat without a baby in my belly and 11 months worth of only one pink line, I dreamed of a house, with stairs, a dark haired baby and a tree outside.

It sounded impossible.

But, it wasn't.

And your dreams are worth dreaming, too.

Go imagine under a tree, in your bed, on your grass or on a slow stroll.

Just go dream.

And I will too.

I did it!

If you didn't follow my other blog you might not understand WHY I'm so excited but let me explain.

Almost five months ago I injured my ankle.  I should say, I re-injured my ankle.  After running on it, in pain, for almost three months, I gave in and had a MRI and X-rays.  I found out that I had re-sprained my ankle, in two places.

This would be a bummer for anyone.
It was a bummer plus a stubbed toe and a flooded basement (metaphorically, that is) for a runner.

I am a runner and this basically sidelined any workout (except resistance training or pliates/yoga, which I have never been able to really get with).  It has driven me CRAZY for the last two months.  Walking was hard for me but I wrapped my mind around it and got used to leisurely strolls, in the evening (with a fancy ankle brace).  I had lost twenty pounds before my MRI and once I couldn't run, I watched some of the weight creep back.

Basically, I was sad.

But today.
TODAY.
TODAY.

I ran a quarter mile with no pain.

NO PAIN, I SCREAM FROM THE ROOFTOPS!

I was thrilled and smiled the entire way.
Because that 1/4 mile means that I might be able to run a half mile in a few days.  And pretty soon a mile.
And before I know it, I'll be back in the saddle, running a 10K like it's nothing!

I suppose that I never knew (nor do any of us) how much we would miss using our mobility until it's withheld.

And running means something different to me this go around.  It's not about a PR or beating someone across the finish line.
No.
It's about running.
Pure and simple.

less mechanics, more adoration.

(Brought on by one of my favorite politicians of all time)

Comfortability is such a supreme thought, when it comes to marriage and don't get me wrong. I believe that being comfortable and warm, in regards to your love relationship is very important.  But may comfortability never replace the mutual adoration and respect that you once felt.

Meeting Sean at fourteen years of age came with several drawbacks but perhaps one of it's greatest strengths is that there is a portion of my feelings for him, that are frozen in time and they shall always be.
Sweet, pure, romantic and buoyed by the offer of unfettered love.

A marriage that is all about schedules, mechanics and roles can become tiresome, dull and rather sad.

Let's remember what brought us together in the first place.  Or perhaps remember what has been keeping us together and allow that to be our compass.

A pair of sweatpants is comfortable....
A marriage should be extraordinary.

 "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any blemish, but holy and blameless.  In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church — for we are members of His body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

 Ephesians 5:22-23

Her written word collides with my thoughts.

source

This post was prompted by God's dealings with my own heart and these two posts by the lovely and always eloquent, Shannen.

Part One
Part Two

I've been thinking about something lately. Quite a bit, actually.  I've even had a handful of discussions with people about it and I know it's on my heart for a reason, although I'm not sure precisely why now.  Maybe I will never be certain.

It's no mystery that much of our society is tangled in the web of "whatcha got"?  What I mean by that is all around us, whether it's the news, magazines, blog posts or the conversation over coffee....thoughts seem to revolve around material items, finances and how to "expand".

I know the word expand is pretty general but think on it.  We talk about how we want to add on to our house, how we want to get more clothes, how we want to make more money at our jobs, how we want to acquire a new car or how we want to get, get, get.
Sometimes the things we need to buy are just that.  Actual needs.
But often they aren't and I'm seeing that we operate almost with a panic button next to us and we slam our hands down so quickly that we might not even have time to access whether we really need the things we are filling our lives with.

When we sold our house almost two years ago, I remember hearing people say, "It's a good move because you'll need the space, if you have more kids." (I also remember people telling us that this house was a dump, but that was actual fact. Ahem.) I remember people making that comment about us "needing the space" all. the. time and then I remember saying it myself.  Now that I look back on it, I feel a bit ashamed.  I suppose that's what time does.  It's gives us a stretch of moments to look back on our own ignorance and reflect.

Now I can very much regret using those words because we didn't NEED more space.  We WANTED more space.
I don't NEED a Blu-Ray Dvd player, I WANT one.
Sean and I don't NEED to go on a vacation, we want to (desperately).
We don't NEED a new car.
We don't NEED new trees for the backyard.
We don't NEED to put our kids in 19 activities that will cost us an arm and a leg.
We don't NEED.

But we want.

I guess it's a call to change my vernacular because I believe our generation is teetering on the cusp of financial ruin (we are already one foot in the door, in my opinion) because we really have a difficult time separating what is needed and what is a privilege to own.  I hear people say that the house fallout of a few years ago saved us because now people are learning to live within their means but I don't really see that.  Not within the sub culture of Southern California at least.
Sure, we are a bit more cautious about large purchases but I think we are really going culturally bankrupt on the small and insidious spending that we have all grown accustomed.  Spending $15.00 on lunch, twice a week when that money could buy groceries for 2 entire days. Buying our kids so many things that one present on Christmas is unheard of.  Eating out is normal, not luxury.  Twenty five pairs of shoes, rather than two.
That kind of thing.
The kind of thing that I don't even think twice about.
But I'm starting to.

Lately I have been realizing that a budget is a beneficial tool in order to keep track and "on course" (whatever that means), but we get tied up in it and we feel like if we stick to the budget and zero out, we are a success.  But what about not spending up to our limit?  Why isn't that on the radar?  Why isn't that always on my radar?
If I have an additional $20.00 left over at the end of the month, I want to use it to buy my favorite candle but why?  WHY?  Do I NEED the candle?
Do I really need most of what I buy and why all the upgrades everywhere I turn?  My stove works fine and while a kitchen remodel would be exciting, I truly don't need it.  I just WANT it.

The problem with the word need is that it's taken on an entirely different meaning, to my generation.
It no longer pertains to actual physical need, but rather what I feel I need at the moment.

I have made financial missteps in the past and quite assuredly I will make them in the future and I am happy I have because it has taught me more than almost anything else in life.
It's taught me what I value.
It's taught me what I don't value.
It's shown me my focus, at times.

I believe the Lord has been working in our family and in my heart, for some time now, to give us a different focus on what we do with the money that He has granted us.
Call it being thrifty.  Call it being frugal or just call it boring.
I'm trying to look at each and every purchase threw the lens of:

Do I need it?
Is it worth sacrificing a dollar that could be used for someone who really needs it?
Do I already have one that is working and functional?

These questions and the scriptures that the Lord is showing me, are changing my perception of money.  Suddenly, I feel a renewed freedom.

A freedom that comes from having enough (more than enough), giving to those that REALLY need it and using what I have wisely. I hope I am found faithful and I hope when I'm not, I realize it and change paths.

So, tell me.  What is your journey like, in regards to finances?  What have you learned?
I would love to learn more from you.

Matthew 6:24

"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."

Comfort and Happiness (a Mothers Day inside).

Psalms 63:5

"My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness, And my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips."

Psalms 4:7

"You have put gladness in my heart, More than in the season that their grain and wine increased."


Well, just when one child was on the upswing, my other started a downhill tumble.  We were BBQing with friends, last evening, and when I put Kensington to bed, her small, smooth forehead told me the story that I would soon live: up all night with a 4 year old who is croup coughing, choking and sweating up a storm.
After three evenings with very little sleep (see previous post), I was REALLY looking forward to a solid 8 hours of sleep and I mean REALLY looking forward to it.  Obviously, we all know where this story is going, but hasn't it happened to all of us mothers?
Of course and it will again (and trust me...I've been feeding my children probiotics, vitamins and sunshine, like it's Lucky Charms, and they still get sick, so I'm serious).

When I woke up this morning and realized that my kids are just plain sick and I needed to admit it to myself and embrace that Mothers Day will be spent inside, making grilled cheese and maybe watching a few episodes of Pawn Stars, I felt like I should feel sorry for myself.
But, that's silly.

This is motherhood and I will gladly live inside the fishbowl and take each moment as it comes.

In the meantime, I find that the Lord gives extreme amounts of blessing and comfort, even in the midst of inconvenience.  Don't you find that too?  Sure, there are times that I wish for less comfort and more easy-livin' but we all have it so very easy anyways. Life is good. Life is happy and life is for the livin'.
Even when it's Mothers Day and you have two sick kids.

So, I say...let's think on the blessings.
I'll go first!

A husband who is simply divine.
Friends who are good, true and walk life with you.  Each day, through the happy and crazy.
Beautiful, wild children that are deliciously hilarious and still pure.
Blooms all over the garden.
Mailbox deliveries from an ALWAYS thoughtful person.


And, of course,  a Heavenly Father that loves me, cares for me and has a plan for my life.
The ultimate comforter and giver of happiness.

What more could I ask for on Mothers Day?
No amount of money on a pre-paid Anthropologie gift card could trump what I already have.

Oh!  And Happy Mothers Day to each of you who stay up late with your sick kids.  Picture me giving you an air high five next time your scrubbing vomit off the rug!

joy (a little from Frankie and Kensington)

Proverbs 17:22 "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."

 Psalm 118:24 "This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." 

John 16:22 "So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." 

 Romans 12:7-9 "If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully." 

***

 For 48 hours this week, one of my daughters was sick. The kind of sick where she would only stop crying if she was being held and I was the designated "holder". Which meant that there was very little sleep involved and I was working on fumes. It became very easy to see the world (or even just my immediate surroundings) as one dimensional and all about my situation but I tried something different, this time.

We all are going to get sick and we all are going to have sick kids, family and life just happens. Nothing new and nothing revolutionary. Life is all about days and weeks and moments and circumstance but I wanted to try something new. While Frankie was crying, for the 10th time, at 12:58am, I would sit up and say, "Give me joy, Lord."

Sound corny and a little "church lady?" Yes, it seemed that way to me as well. At first. But if you continue to say it....it begins to become a mantra and life seems a little easier. Instead of being irritated at my daughter for withholding sleep from me (afterall, it IS her fault she has a 102 degree fever), I began to have a spirit of joy. I was able to walk down the hall and thank the Lord for being gifted children to care for. I would enter her room, pick her up from her crib and hold her, knowing that there are woman who, if called, would admit that they would bare that cross over and over, if only given a sweet baby. I began to see the joy in making meals for a feverish and angry toddler and smiling, rather than rolling my eyes when she reached for me.

I asked and found joy when I realized that I was able to stay in pajamas and care for my baby. Joy is always all around me, mine for the taking but I have to look for it, even when life suggests you feel sorry for yourself.
Maybe it has always been as simple as saying, "Give me joy, Lord." If it has been, I feel ashamed that I have let circumstances and less-than-desirable life happenings shade my view.

Try it today.

 The Lord hands out joy freely and to all. Go looking for it.

And if you need a jumpstart, here are my kids. Always filled with joy (that is, until I switch off BubbleGuppies half way through the program).

A Joyful Friday to you!

 

Primary things.

On this most beautiful Wednesday, my heart is filled with joy, even more so after consuming the words, hope and wisdom from this incredible video.

Leave it to John Piper to turn my day on its head, in the best way.

Channeling David.

I often wonder what exactly was going through King Davids mind, when He sent Uriah to the front lines (2 Samuel 11:15).  I wonder if his first thought was,
"I knew this would happen and this is the only way to solve it" or maybe he was instantly convicted but was so frightened about how things would turn out that he felt he had no choice (even though that logic absolutely never pans out). Maybe he felt both and maybe he felt so much instant love for his unborn child while simultaneously hating his impulses.
Maybe he felt the darkest emptiness he had ever felt.
Actually, I'm sure he did.

I have wondered how David could make his sin work in his mind but the only reason I wonder is because I haven't been confronted with that exact situation.  In my daily sin life, It makes perfect sense to talk my way into all of the sin I indulge and it always ends the same.  Often I hear myself think, "You are intelligent, Rachel.  This is sin."
And yet still, off I go.

I'm also somewhat amused by how the story moves forward.  When Nathan comes to David and shares an illustration with him (clearly knowing what David has done-booyah!) David is filled with rage (2 Samuel 12:5).  I think the first time I read this story I was annoyed by David and his apparent hypocrisy, but the older I get, the more I identify and laugh.  I do this all the time!
I get irritated with people who share in the same sin I do.  I judge them.  I pull apart their humanity in my own heart.  Yet, I sinned in the same vein, that very afternoon!
It's so blatant that it makes me feel foolish.
It's almost as stupid as knowing I'm staring sin in the face and STILL DOING IT.  RIDICULOUS!
How weak can a human be?!

Whether I sin daily or sin once a week, I believe the most beautiful part about the story of David and Bathsheba, is the found redemption.  There is such glory in the mercy that was shown.  King Davids sin story is so alluring because of his level of remorse. He was down-to-the-core, pathetically regretful.  He made himself sick and I can relate to that because if we are striving towards a life full of the Lord, our sin should repulse us.  He suffered the death of his child and had to be faced with his nature. Nations and family lines would suffer because of him.  I'm sure he was sad, raw and rocked to the bottom of his frame, at the consequences of his choices.  The consequences, for David, were great.

However, the difference between David and I, on many occasions, is that David didn't wallow.  He didn't hang his hat on his sin or revisit it over and over and OVER again.  He repented and was filled with the joy of the Lord (much of it, I'm sure, because he WAS forgiven).  He didn't waste time whipping his own back and thinking about the mistakes he has made, which is a game I like to play with myself.
"You really screwed that up, Rachel."
"Look at those people you wronged, Rachel."
"Things will never be the same because of your attitude."
"HOW COULD YOU!"
It can go on and on and become a quicksand.

David pleaded to the Lord (after thanking him) to give him joy and restoration (Psalm 51:1).  He wasn't focusing on the slight comfort he might be afforded by going over and over the situation (you know you've found momentary comfort in the "replay" button, on your brain). He handed it over to the Lord and moved ON.
He thought of others he could share his story with (Psalm 51: 13), which I find the most intriguing part of Psalm 51.  We tend to keep our sin hidden and are afraid to share it and with good reason.  The church and Christians (on a whole, not all) aren't known for their extreme sensitivity when you bring up drug addiction, adulterous relationships, pornography hang ups, alcoholism, depression or chronic self hatred. Not to mention the "secondary sins" like gossip, worry, overeating and hatred.  Our culture has rated sins in order of "the worst" and who would want to get vulnerable?
We keep quiet and because we shed no light, we aide fellow brothers and sinners in their daily sin.
We must share!  We must relate and we must encourage fellow believers to turn from their luke warm and scorching-hot sin.

David lusted, indulged in sexual sin and then ordered a man to be murdered.
And yet, the Lord delighted in him.  In his heart.

Because unlike people....Christ looks inside.  To whether we feel the pain He feels, when we sin.

We each have hope.
Take a look at David, be filled and turn away from what is staring you in the face.

looking in.

Having fallen victim so many times makes me so sensitive to this undeniable fact.

Our society is obsessed with what we look like.  And I'm not just talking about our threads.

I'm talking about so much more.

labels
the street our property sits on
our car
our jeans
our career
the success our kids achieve
our hair color
the size of our bank account
our friends
our words
our books
our social alignment
our church
our kicks
our hobby
our weight
our spouse

And it needs to stop.
Because for every board we create, every post we write, every slippery magazine we read, every discussion we have, every housewives show we ingest, that whispers,
"What you look like on the outside is extremely important"....

We take two steps away from what the Lord reminds us is valuable.  We actively are replacing one message with another.

And when we eventually end up forgetting what really is important, the road to rediscover it, is treacherous.

Proverbs 31: 30

"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting: but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

1 Samuel 16: 7

"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

Matthew 7:20

"Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them."

James 1:23

"Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and immediately forgets what he looks like."

All Who Are Thirsty

My hearts song is to be so close to my Savior and yet I feel miles and miles and so many seasons from where I really should be and maybe you feel that too.
And I will write for us.
He whispered to me. To write for us.
I will pen for us who wake up thirsty and wanting to fly away. Fly so far and into the arms of the only One who can eternally fill me with grace, mercy and the joy to find more through this amazing life.
And yet I am here and happily so because it is a broken and beautiful adventure.
The most exciting of moments that fill my heart until it is sideways and exhausted from the accumulation of things most lovely and exhausting and I wait to see what more blessings could flow.
And they do, so abundantly.

One day this life will end and soon enough but let us not wish the days away because they are so perfectly aligned and askew at the same time.

To those who wake up thirsty, broken, alive, glory-filled and grasping for more of Him.

I write for us.